Thursday, October 13, 2016

Hurted to never hurt


It has been a while right. Biasalaa tu, people would only look for their blog just when they have no other way to express their inner thought. Alaaa sama la macam kawan-kawan yang cari kawan-kawan bila tengah susah je kan? Eh?! No, no..I'm not going to talk about others in this post haha..

Basically, I started my 3rd year of Medicine last week, 4/10/16 and after a week of short and not so sweet orientation, I started my class or more precise, my clinical year last Monday Alhamdulillah! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I was sooooo excited! MasyaAllah after all those struggles since A-Level, then foundation, then my 1st and 2nd year in Medicine, at last I'm here in my 3rd year. No more studying with cadaver, no more dead specimens, no more inactivated microbes to be viewed under the microscope, now I'm dealing with alive humans, REAL PATIENTS, in a real hospital! I'm excited  and thrilled at the same time.

Clinical years are totally different with pre-clinical years, and I have to change my daily routine, my study timetable. I prepared mentally and physically for a rumoured-busy hectic chaos and tiring life in the hospital. So my first day in Hospital Klang, I was divided into smaller group of 2-3 students by my lecturer, to clerk a patient (which he just pointed at whoever he wish) without any guidance or reference. Hahahaha gilerrrrr tak gelabah!! 1st time kot, nak approach patient and tak pernah2 belajar buat history taking (ok, theoretically ada laa dlm klas briefly what should we ask). Terkial-kial tanya patient soalan! Hahaha but then my lecturer came back and explained everything after letting us doing it ourselves first. So Alhamdulillah I passed my 1st day well after more clerking and meeting more patients. But MasyaAllah I was totally worn out that day, hahaha..'I passed out' after Isyak till 12midnight before I woke up for some pre-read for tomorrow's topics. Haaaaa..amacam? hahaha..acahhh sgt baru 1st day *lempang diri sendiri*

Ok 2nd day is quite challenging for me, because I'm still clueless of how clinical years actually work. And truth to be told, I didn't really prepare emotionally :( I forgot that I will have to deal with nurses and doctors or staffs who's busy with their works and might think my presence is just a nuisance or who'll look at me merely as a noob student haishh.. So those thing did affect me emotionally..sedeyhhh bolehhhh bila kita tanya soalan orang jawab mcm nak tak nak, or worst buat kita mcm pokok hiasan semata2. They saw us but they ask or do nothing about it, Ye laa, pokok hiasan semata-mata haha.. Yes I do realised this thing way long before but I didn't expect people can be that mean. hahaha..ok It's me myself yg expect lebih so yeayhh I went home quite not feeling satisfied, still tired but worst, I still couldn't find my pace to study. I read my books but nothing seems to stick into my brain huhu T_T

Today, my third day, I'm not having the same spirit that i hv on my 1st day. I was quite disappointed with myself as others hv already found their way to study for clinical but I'm still adapting and lost. Yes I was totally lost and today I asked myself for so many times "Is this what I wanna do for the rest of my life?", I feel tired that I don't even feel like entering the ward and clerk the patients. I feel numb, I don't even feel anything. Terok kan? Baru lg kot 😔 So yes, i told myself maybe I'm just lost and tired, n maybe hormone changes affect me too (since I'm currently in that time of the month), I shouldn't even think about giving up now. Thus I had a short walk alone around the hospital, talking to my own heart and to Allah. And wallahi, I really want to be a doctor! A good one, a kind yet influencing doctor who won't be taking people for granted InsyaAllah. I REALLY DO!

Allah is the sweetest love of all SubhanAllah 😭 I've been looking forward to observe a labour since the first day, I went to labour room everyday but whenever I do there's no labour or the mother had just given birth right before I enter, but my friends managed to observe not one but lots of labour and other procedures! Mestilaa jeles kan *nampak sangat niat tak betol nak jeles buat apa! lempang balik diri sendiri* Tapi, tapi tapi Alhamdulillah today, Allah pujuk hati yang semakin lemah ni dengan cara yang paling sweet, He finally gave me the chance to observe one! 😭 The mother was small as me myself. Thing was chaos and hectic, and after a few attempt, from that small mother a baby is out crying his heart out SubhanAllah!

What a beautiful thing MasyaAllah 😭😭😭 I almost cry, i feel like calling my mum at that second. But I didnt haha..i just kept things inside. And Alhamdulillah, I found my strength again, I found my motivation. I want to do this again, and InsyaAllah for the rest of my life. I know things will be hard, will always be hard but if I can accept things well, Allah won't disappoints me right? He will surely show me the way InsyaAllah. If not today, maybe tomorrow. And all i hv to do is to believe in Him. He's always there. He never leave me alone 😭 So here I am, hoping to finish my MBBS well. I will get tired again one day I know, but I promise u, I wont think about giving up again InsyaAllah. Do pray for me can you? I am doing this InsyaAllah, I will finish this InsyaAllah 😊

Allah never say it is going to be easy, He said "With hardships, there's ease"
And if ever I forget, will you remind me back of how I gain my strength?
Tabarakallah! May His blessing showered upon us Aminn :)

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